A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I need help removing her.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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