Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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