If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
