Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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