I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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