New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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