I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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