First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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