His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
