All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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