Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
