I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
