Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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