just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
