You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
