You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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