is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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