I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize