A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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