how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
