i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
