Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
