I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
