I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
