i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize