He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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