well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
