i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
