Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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