Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Michael Bay diarrhea
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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