even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
