The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize