Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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