Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
