I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Still dying that you shit outside
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
