I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
