mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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