I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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