It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
