I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
OPIZZABONMYDICK
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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