.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
