Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
