Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
