I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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