I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
