I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
