I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize