i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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