please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
