I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
