just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
