My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize