Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
