I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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