i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
