i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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