he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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