I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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