be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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