My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
