I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
